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(no subject)
Ugh, no, seriously, I am realizing that my lack of having more than 15 icons is contributing to my inability to post regularly. That is so dumb, self, stop, you do not have the money for paid time with what little you are getting out of DW use right now.
Well, my doctor decided to refer me to genetics (which will be one of two clinics, and it's totally a luck of the draw which one calls me in the next 3 days for an appointment, they're both very good) in order to settle this BRCA gene thing once and for all. Now that both of my parents are clearly positive and both have resultant cancers, as well as my mom's grandmother, my female cousin on my mom's side, and my dad's sister, in the way of preventive medicine we're getting me figured out sooner than later.
And what I'm actually afraid of is discovering that I don't have the gene.
Because I expect to die from cancer. Everyone in my family does, on both sides (except for my mom's mom, who is currently in hospice due to ... the autoimmune disease she and I share that no one else has!), and my genuine fear is of discovering I'm wrong about that certainty in my future. I'm prepared for prophylactic surgeries, I'm prepared for making advance directive decisions. Those are things I can and will do. (I honestly hate everything about having nipples anyway. Take 'em. When you start spontaneously lactating at age 11, you don't want your nipples at 26, because believe me, you already hate them, and they have no benefits.) Finding out everyone was wrong, and despite both of my parents being positive, I'm not? That shakes my existence. And I hadn't realized until today that that is the reason besides cost that I was putting off the test.
(Cost is no longer an issue, thanks to being on a state exchange health plan - they're required to cover genetic testing for people in my risk group. So thanks Obama. Not sarcasm.)
Well, my doctor decided to refer me to genetics (which will be one of two clinics, and it's totally a luck of the draw which one calls me in the next 3 days for an appointment, they're both very good) in order to settle this BRCA gene thing once and for all. Now that both of my parents are clearly positive and both have resultant cancers, as well as my mom's grandmother, my female cousin on my mom's side, and my dad's sister, in the way of preventive medicine we're getting me figured out sooner than later.
And what I'm actually afraid of is discovering that I don't have the gene.
Because I expect to die from cancer. Everyone in my family does, on both sides (except for my mom's mom, who is currently in hospice due to ... the autoimmune disease she and I share that no one else has!), and my genuine fear is of discovering I'm wrong about that certainty in my future. I'm prepared for prophylactic surgeries, I'm prepared for making advance directive decisions. Those are things I can and will do. (I honestly hate everything about having nipples anyway. Take 'em. When you start spontaneously lactating at age 11, you don't want your nipples at 26, because believe me, you already hate them, and they have no benefits.) Finding out everyone was wrong, and despite both of my parents being positive, I'm not? That shakes my existence. And I hadn't realized until today that that is the reason besides cost that I was putting off the test.
(Cost is no longer an issue, thanks to being on a state exchange health plan - they're required to cover genetic testing for people in my risk group. So thanks Obama. Not sarcasm.)
no subject
Yeah. I can imagine a bit of what you're feeling, though obviously not to the same level. -offers a hug?-
no subject
My doctors decided against ordering the test because my mom and her sister, both survivors, didn't have the gene. (As far as I know, my cousin didn't get tested before she died.) So it's not like you can't die the way you planned if you don't have it.
Wait, I think that came out wrong.
Moving on, I don't miss my nipples at all. I think they're overrated outside of breastfeeding, which I have no interest in doing.