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thirty-five things we learned at school
by the Day Paramedic Class, collectively aged 6 months
- Always make sure to check the quiz and see if there are things on the back.
- A Spanish guy doing interpretive dances to demonstrate arrythmias looks amazing on a really big screen, and is even better when a tall guy with a head of bushy curly hair is yelling out translations of the Spanish. (You can see the video, but not our professor, sorry.)
- Cold shumai is actually pretty gross. Eat it when it comes out of the microwave. Not thirty minutes later.
- Don't use your defibrillator in the water.
- Atropine and epinephrine are used for the same thing, not one for one and one for the other.
- NPR is sometimes relevant for stuff.
- Some people, in their entire EMS careers, only learn one algorithm — the asystole algorithm. Because everyone gets there eventually. But that’s not a very good way to take care of people.
- It’s not nice to cardiovert someone at 350 joules while they’re sitting there talking to you.
- Monkeys are good at CPR, but you have to teach them how to do it first.
- You can do a serious care critique on a scene in There's Something About Mary.
- If someone writes a bunch of stuff on the board, then tells you there's going to be a quiz on Tuesday, the material might be related.
- Parents who forget to give their children their meds get reported. If you tell the class about the case, they get reported about 30 times.
- The truth about morphine. (Actual slide from actual pharm lecture.)
- You don't write "Patient was a bum." No exceptions.
- There's no such thing as a Wellbutrin patch.
- Prostoglandins are the chemicals that say stay off your ankle, stupid!
- Don’t just stick a big needle in somebody’s bone for preventative purposes.
- When all newborns do is eat, sleep and poop, it is not a sign of a disease.
- Relieving pain is good, stopping breathing is bad.
- Adriamycin actually damages the Northway.
- COX-II inhibitors cause heart damage. Damn.
- That's French, it's not Latin. Unless it is.
- Medtronic makes music videos.
- It's possible to overdose on eyedrops.
- Your protocol manual is not a cookbook.
- Kids are, like, 80% swimming pools.
- Using a rectal suppository in your ear is just not going to cut it.
- The paperwork for breaking your patient’s leg when you drop him on the floor is just adding to the hassle when you started out on a cardiac call.
- Don't tell people that if they knew what they were doing they wouldn't be working at whatever assisted living facility you're at.
- The three most common places to find people's medications are the lazy susan in the center of the kitchen table, the table by the lounge chair the patient sits in all the time, or in the kitchen window where they get lots of bright, bright sun.
- That last option is extremely stupid.
- You don't say 'Epocrates crapped out,' you say 'a communication error occurred.'
- If one person has an Oreo, everyone has an Oreo.
- Before 1906, the United States was walking around totally narcolized.
- You don't cut open a down jacket in the back of an ambulance.
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...
But what if the water has arrhythmia?
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Which in many cases is kind of unfortunate, but retrospectively hilarious.
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It took me a few minutes to get that one. Why would an antidepressant be in patch form... Oh, right, people use Wellbutrin to quit smoking! So they'd get it confused with their nicotine patch.
And I'm adding you.
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