delight | (no subject)

Too depressed to function at work (all my tasks are scaring me, and the only things I definitely have to do are a couple of [terrifying] emails and a productivity-report power point design) so here's a X-years-ago meme.

16 YEARS AGO, I: was 14. Either 9th or 10th grade, I don't remember (my birthday being in October, ages don't help with this). I was being abused regularly at school and the only people who gave a shit about me were my family and my one in-person friend, who of course did not go to my school and never had. The majority of my socializing was through Beseen chat rooms and Harper's Tale, so I legitimately learned how to be an adult on the internet.

10 YEARS AGO, I: was 20. Had been living on my own for a few years, two years into dating Brady and one year of living together. I was working full time as a paramedic and doing nursing school full time because I didn't ever want to have time to listen to my brain, but also because I like to sponge knowledge. This was the year Cymbalta stopped working and that I started showing signs of what we would later learn was Sjogren's syndrome but at the time was thought to be CFS.

5 YEARS AGO, I: was 25. This was the last year that my life was not filled with the non-stop sickening pain of grief/mourning/loss. It was also three years post-stroke; I was starting a second degree in neuropsychology with a pharm concentration since my ability to do Long Clinical Shifts was long over and it was time to accept that desk was where I belonged. Except for our constant broke-ness and my chronic pain, it was pretty good in retrospect. Except that Massage Envy laid off Brady twice. Seriously fuck those people.

3 YEARS AGO, I: was 27. I finished my bachelor's mentioned above. My dad was dying and absolutely nothing else mattered, though my having gotten a scholarship to my tied-for-first-choice MPH program was a tiny light in the distance. I knew that he wouldn't live to see me start, but I was so glad to know that he was there to see me be accepted. Being 27 is entirely washed out by his illness and death, and all of 2015-2016 is a haze of that pain and fear.

1 YEAR AGO, I: was 29, and had begun to remember how to relax again though not be very much. I graduated with my MPH carrying my father's NYS physician card in my pocket as I crossed the stage and touched the Tree of Hope, came in second for an award at graduation (faculty told me; there weren't places or an honorable mention, I was appreciative just of my nomination). Had a fun medical emergency that resulted in having my gallbladder, which had always been fine as far as I knew, rupture and be removed. If I hadn't been working at CityMD I would have died instead of graduating. After graduation by a matter of days I got my current job, which I love 90% of the time and hate having to communicate with people and be totally self-directed the other 10% of the time. I also brought Trip the dog into my home and began to learn how to be a service dog handler.

YESTERDAY, I: worked, had a headache all day and wanted to take a nap, left work, walked the dog. We had so many meetings yesterday I couldn't think straight about much. Had to take Percocet to sleep, which still didn't produce much sleep but at least my lying in bed didn't hurt. Finished Undone which I enjoyed. Played a lot of pain-brain Bejeweled; I think my highest score was 598,000-something. Talked to Nic Petit on Twitter.

TODAY, I: locked my keys in my apartment on my way out. Got rained on. Was late. Had a panic attack before 10am. Got to roleplay a favorite duo on HT but the scene got cut short (we made it believable). Have to take Trip to the vet this evening for the cough that of course he no longer has, but I made the appointment two days ago and he'd been coughing for four! Leveled up some dogs in the virtual dog game, most of whom have ended up with Dragon Blood or hexarchate names because of stuff that they came with when I got them from other owners. Have not leveled up the real dog, but he's taking a nap under my desk and leveling himself up. :)

TOMORROW, I: will be at work some more. Probably, hopefully do some beta reading for L, since today I meant to start but my brain is such a sludge-pile I can't.