delight | (no subject)

While things are going much better for my mother -- I don't know what happened, but we talked her back into going on vacation with us and she seemed to be stable on the phone last night and when I saw her last weekend -- they have continued to kind of ... crash, for me.

With no external trigger reasons. I should not be this deep into a depressive episode as I am based on the circumstances around me. (I know my life is not roses and sunshine and I do have big problems, but I know my own disease and trust me, I should not be this bad.)

So: in two hours I have a phone interview for ketamine therapy.

There's a lot more to the ketamine story, and of course while Iw ant to blog about it it's hard to words when my brain is this far into the shitter -- here's the list of 'exacerbated depression symptoms' I need to remember for the phone call in case anyone else was curious just what is happening:
- spending 15 of 24 hours in bed (the other 9 are spent at work, so I literally have no life)
- unable to think about the same topic long enough to even finish a mental "sentence"
- unable to sleep at all without chemical intervention, but constantly fatigued
- dulled emotions
- constant unrelenting neck pain
- no appetite
- enormous irritability
- 100% anhedonia
- crying when faced with any decision at all (instead of just wanting to)
- cognitive slowness

-- and I also don't want to reveal some of the other twists and turns until I know whether or not I'm going to the next step of a long approval process. This is just the medical approval process; while I know I'm a fit psychiatrically, I don't know if my kidney issues are going to torpedo this for me. Stupid blood pressure.

But that is where I am right now.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

*support support*

The surprise BPALs have been helping me through the workday a lot, and of course I forgot to thank you for them before now, but consider it a very much loved surprise! Smells help me not crash even earlier.

I’m glad you are getting enjoyment out of them! Best wishes.

Grateful that you shared this with us. Wishing you the best. (please do not feel any obligation to reply to this)

♥ Appreciated all around! People kind enough to tell me I'm not obligated to reply are more likely to get one, actually, because I have to say how much I appreciate it. XD

I hope that you can get the help you need. ♥ Ketamine therapy is really intriguing to me, but I don't think that I'd be eligible, since I do have meds that work. I'd love to hear your experiences with it if you can get it, though.

You don't want to be eligible, trust me, because I've left the hoops around the price tag out of this post. Afraid of jinxing my possible good fortune, but if my employers hadn't gotten involved I would not have been able to afford it in the slightest.

mmm. good point. :/

then i’m glad you are that valued

YES, I know, my job is a miracle.

(Here, listening.)

♥

sending love and support <#

<3333

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, and I hope the ketamine treatment works out for you. I have a patient for whom it's been a godsend.

That is so, so helpful to hear. I don't know anyone who has had it or who knows anyone who has had it, it was keeping up with the journals that enticed me toward it (and toward this particular doctor, Joshua Berman). Thank you for letting me know. ♥

I am out of antidepressants to try, so if I can't get this, it's ECT time for me. It worked for my mom for a long time, so I'm not afraid of it one bit, but it scares my husband.