delight | (no subject)

While things are going much better for my mother -- I don't know what happened, but we talked her back into going on vacation with us and she seemed to be stable on the phone last night and when I saw her last weekend -- they have continued to kind of ... crash, for me.

With no external trigger reasons. I should not be this deep into a depressive episode as I am based on the circumstances around me. (I know my life is not roses and sunshine and I do have big problems, but I know my own disease and trust me, I should not be this bad.)

So: in two hours I have a phone interview for ketamine therapy.

There's a lot more to the ketamine story, and of course while Iw ant to blog about it it's hard to words when my brain is this far into the shitter -- here's the list of 'exacerbated depression symptoms' I need to remember for the phone call in case anyone else was curious just what is happening:
- spending 15 of 24 hours in bed (the other 9 are spent at work, so I literally have no life)
- unable to think about the same topic long enough to even finish a mental "sentence"
- unable to sleep at all without chemical intervention, but constantly fatigued
- dulled emotions
- constant unrelenting neck pain
- no appetite
- enormous irritability
- 100% anhedonia
- crying when faced with any decision at all (instead of just wanting to)
- cognitive slowness

-- and I also don't want to reveal some of the other twists and turns until I know whether or not I'm going to the next step of a long approval process. This is just the medical approval process; while I know I'm a fit psychiatrically, I don't know if my kidney issues are going to torpedo this for me. Stupid blood pressure.

But that is where I am right now.